To: My employers
Jake CEO of Crying For No Reason
Spencer, President of Being Extremely Sensitive and Emotional
Patrick, Vice President of Being Overly Demanding and Loving
Tanner, Director of All Things Smelly and Senior Drama King
From: Your dedicated, hard-working employee (aka - MOM)
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First, let me start this memo off by saying how wonderful it has been working for you all. When I was hired for the position of "Mother", I truly underestimated just how fulfilling and rewarding it would be. Each day is full of new adventures, among other things (yeah, let's just leave it at that, shall we?).
There are some things I've been wanting to address with you and I feel now is as good a time as any. I mean, it's not like you all could fire me.....right?
1) My hours: When I was initially hired, I understood the position called for 24-hour shifts. I had no problem with that. It was a new job for me...one that I had never done before and I welcomed the hours with open arms. However, over time, I feel like you all have been taking advantage of me. You never mentioned that the 24-hour shifts would be never-ending. I'm being paged at odd hours almost every single night and I'm expected to work overtime quite frequently (although is there such a thing as overtime when I'm working never ending 24-hr shifts?)
I am proposing a change in my hours (don't you love how I make it sound as if it's your decision but we all know it's really not). I would appreciate not being expected to clock in any earlier than 7:00 am and I'd like to complete my work day by at least 8:00 pm, if not earlier. I'd also like to only be on-call at night for emergencies only, like when you have a nightmare in the middle of the night or if you wet your bed.....emergencies that do not constitute paging me: you have a booger in your nose that's not quite within your reach or because you're scared that your eyelashes are going to disappear if you close your eyes for too long. I haven't decided if "my butt itches" is considered an emergency....I suppose it depends on WHY your butt itches but, chances are, it's something that can wait until the next morning.
2) My benefits: This falls right in line with my hours (see above). I would like to be able to take personal days here and there, as needed. Of course, I would give you advance notice so you could find a temporary replacement (might I suggest your father, who is perfectly capable of filling in for me). Oh, and you are no longer allowed to cry, whine and scream to me "Mom, I want or need you...." as I'm running out the door. Guilt trips will no longer be acceptable. I also would appreciate regular 15-minute meal breaks and 5-minute potty breaks for every 2 hours that I work. I think that's very reasonable. Furthermore, I will be taking sick days, as needed. Nothing excessive but if I should come down with a blinding migraine (that, chances are, you all caused...and I say that with all due respect of course), I'd like to know that I won't have the added pressure of having to work that day. Again, your father is a willing and able substitute in my absence (he may not be aware that he's willing and able but, trust me, he is).
Even though this is not a paid position, it would be nice every once in awhile to receive a gift certificate from you for a massage or a mani/pedi (just to show your appreciation of all my hard work).
3) My job responsibilities: While my job responsibilities were never really clearly discussed in detail, I did have an idea of what the position would entail. With that said, as time has gone by, I've taken on so many more responsibilities that have left me feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not able to give my full attention and devotion to other aspects of my job because I just have so much on my plate on a daily basis.
The following is a list of jobs I will no longer be doing:
wiping the butts of those of you who are potty trained
running around like a chicken with my head cut off at meal times fetching "this and that" for you all that I never get a chance to sit down myself and eat
providing constant and never-ending entertainment
cleaning up the toys that you take out but never seem to put away (I'm not buying the whole, "But I don't know where to put it away" excuse anymore)
no longer responsible for scissor mishaps....you cut your own hair, it's your problem; oh, and no longer protecting any of you from chopping off your own fingers....one less finger means less nose-picking, or butt picking, which you already know annoys me
breaking up fights 24 hours a day (one can only say "use your words" and "we don't hit your brother" so many times a day before she is deemed legally insane)
warming your food twice a day in the microwave (man-up already....from what I know, cold food has never killed anyone)
fighting with you all to brush your teeth twice a day (if your teeth rot and fall out, you'll just have to drink all your food through a straw).
4) My right to privacy: Now this is something I feel very strongly about and I feel that it's gone on for way too long. I am now requiring total and complete privacy when I'm in the bathroom (that includes going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting dressed, etc). The harrassment that I'm subjected to on a daily basis is just inappropriate and downright rude. No employee should ever have to sit there while the bosses ogle her and scream out, "Look at her boobies". Last time I checked I was no longer required to fulfill the job responsibility of stripper.
From now on, you are no longer allowed to enter the bathroom when I'm in it (including sticking your hands under the door and yelling, "how many fingers can you see now?" over and over until I scream "leave me alone please", banging on the door repeatedly with the hopes that I will eventually cave and let you in, and beating each other up outside the door with the expectation that I will be able to hold my pee long enough to break up the fight).
Lastly, I would like to thank you for the wonderful learning opportunity you have provided me with. While I'm sometimes guilty of making mistakes and not performing tasks to the best of my abilities, I appreciate that you all have continued to encourage me with your never-ending smiles, hugs and kisses.
Someday, I hope to be promoted to the coveted position of "grandma".
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